im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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