Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize
