My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
