Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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