he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
