he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
