im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize