i just wanna soil my oats bro
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
