Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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