Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
