Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
