well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
