im six kinds of drunk right now
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
