Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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