I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
