I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
