R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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