dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize