Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
