During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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