Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize