So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
