Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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