Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
