its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
