One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize