Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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