That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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