Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize