I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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