I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
