Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
