i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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