Jerry, you need to find god
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
