You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
