Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
