I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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