It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
So much rum. So many feels.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
