your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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