I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
