I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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