I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
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