I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize