my soul wont recognize me after tonight
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
