Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
