It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
