FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
