I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
