My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
organizing the empties. That sober.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
