Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
