matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
