The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
