I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize