she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
