Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
the day after is always just damage control
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
