Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
