I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Dear god my vagina.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
