Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I stole a fireplace last night.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
