Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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