He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
