Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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