Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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