i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
40s are totally the cure
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I need a beard to bite.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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