dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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