i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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