i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
