Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
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