My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
it's like heaven, but drunker
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
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