just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
