Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Randomize
