i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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