Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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