Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
